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Whoever came up with the idea of a soul mate? Who says that there’s just one person in the world you could be with? For so long, the media has promoted what I call ‘The Soul Mate Notion’. They would have you believe that there’s just one person in the world that’s a perfect blend with your personality; in essence you must do all you can to hook up with that person. They give all kind of names to it; The One, the yin to your yang bla bla blah! Consciously or unconsciously, we have imbibed this and live by it. One question, what if your supposed soul mate is in some far off place like Iraq or Myanmar or even China?! What happens? Are you to go looking for him or stay single and hope and pray daily that he finds you? What about if he dies or becomes a Jihadist?!
I remember my first year at Uni; I met someone I really liked. I went through all the phases; you know, think about him a lot, wait for him to call, get excited when you see him bla bla blah! Guy was a TDH- Tall, Dark, Handsome; you know the kind of bloke that gives you the shivers! *wink* But after a few weeks, we differed on a fundamental issue; our beliefs. We would have long arguments and never come to a meeting point. As a young naïve Christian, I started to pray for him to ‘see the light’. I prayed and prayed and then one day, I heard God say clearly to me (not through anyone cos I wouldn’t have believed), that I was wasting my time. I was shell-shocked and so I held on, for years. Why? I strongly believed He was ‘The One’.
But how and when did I get to thinking he was my soul mate? We attended the same university, that’s how we met, but what if I had attended UNILAG instead, would he still have been my soul mate? Some would say we were destined to meet. These same people believe who you end up with is more a function of destiny than choice. I beg to differ; who you date is influenced by your environment, where you schooled, your circle of friends etc. In essence, you are dating that guy or girl because you two share similar beliefs and connect on several levels. When you no longer connect, it all goes wrong. Question is do you connect with just one person? Of course not. Think about it for a sec, wouldn’t God be unfair if He gave each one of us just one ‘soul mate’? Me thinks there are several people one can be with and be happy. As long as the basic principles of respect, trust, friendship and love are in place, dazall!
Truth is dating and relationships are risky affairs even with a supposed soul mate. Why? People change. A soul mate at 21 could become a monster at 50. But if you base your decision on the basic principles, and not singing he’s my soul mate, she’s my soul mate, at least you stand a better chance of choosing right.
So quit waiting around for some non-existent soul mate, look closely you just might find love and happiness right before you. As someone said, love is lurking at all corners, maybe you just ain’t checking out the right corner!
Photo credit: barbarajpeters.com
So I attended the Americanah book launch at Terra in May. I was excited because I love Chimamanda and her works. Until she made those comments about human hair (Brazilian hair weaves et co for those unfamiliar with the term). Those comments that didn’t respect that some in the audience had human hair on. Those condescending comments that made it seem anyone without natural hair was invisible. Suffice to say, I left that gathering without buying the book and I haven’t gotten around to even reading a borrowed copy.
That was in April, fast forward to July, Chimamanda gives a Boston Review interview calling ElNathan John ‘her boy’. I read the interview and my jaw literally dropped, she didn’t just say that! I was disappointed at best and shocked at worst. If she had stopped at that, it might have been excused as a slip but she went on to express her dislike for the Caine prize. Juxtapose that with her comments about not being interested in the stories to read them and asserting that the best fiction was in her mailbox, you get the idea of a conceited Chimamanda.
Some may argue that Chimamanda was just trying to deemphasise the ubiquitous notion that to be an African writer of note, you must have won some foreign prize. Maybe, but did she have to diss other writers in the process?? Though that notion is so wrong, truth is, that’s the reality on ground and even Chimamanda is a product of that stereotype; she won the British Orange Prize, and became an internationally known literary figure. So how about being happy for a fellow writer and a fine one at that, and not make such unfair comments?!
Of course, ElNathan’s response on his blog was very sarcastic. I can identify with him when someone you respect and admire deeply becomes a source of hurt and pain. Anyways, he got free publicity, even if in the most unlikely of ways.
I like Chimamanda and her smart retorts to questions, I still do but this path she has chosen; a destructive one won’t lead her anywhere. So easy Chimamanda, lest this gift of yours becomes your Achilles’ heel. Enough said!
Entries are being received for the first ever Etisalat Pan-African Prize for Literature.
The Prize, which aims at celebrating African fiction and writers, empowering members of the literary society and rewarding excellence in literary writing, will be awarded to the best full-length debut novel by an African writer published in the last 24 months.
Criteria for Entry
- Submissions will only be accepted from publishing houses
- The book must have been published between 01 May 2011 and May 31 2013 and must be at least 30,000 words
- The book was first published in English
- The author must be of African citizenship
- All books entered must have a registered ISBN number or equivalent.
- Entries for fiction books will be submitted by publishers who have published a minimum of ten (10) authors
- Deadline for submission is 30th August 2013
The panel of judges for the Prize, include Associate Professor of African Literature at the University of Witwatersrand, South Africa, Pumla Gqola; writer, Sarah Ladipo Manyika among others. The winner of the Prize goes home with £15,000, a Samsung Galaxy Note and a Montblanc Meisterstuck. There will also be a sponsored book tour to three African cities, and a place on the Etisalat Fellowship at the University of East Anglia where the winner can meet with other writers, publishers and work on his/her second novel (as always!). Other shortlisted writers will win a Samsung Galaxy Note each and go on a book tour to two major African cities. In addition, Etisalat will buy 1000 copies of all shortlisted books which will be donated to various schools, book clubs and libraries across the Africa (Now that’s generous!)
To top it all, an online flash fiction prize will be announced later in the year.
It’s a welcome development that Etisalat is celebrating African fiction. Although, the criteria are kinda stringent, considering that a lot of young writers self-publish, it’s a step in the right direction. So kudos, Etisalat!
What in the world is this feud between natural haired ladies, otherwise called Team Nacchie and ladies with relaxed hair or Team Relaxer? Are they for real? Why would any person waste such time criticising ladies because of their hairstyle choices? Seriously??
Recently, I listened to a Nigerian writer in an interview on her new book. She was asked why she wrote so much on hair and she started about how Nigerian ladies don’t like to wear their hair natural, and went on to say in a condescending manner, how Nigerian women fix all kinds of weaves; Mongolian, Peruvian and even Funmi hair. I ignored her comments until I read an article on tips for maintaining natural hair on BellaNaija. All was well until I read the comments section (something I usually don’t bother with) and saw that indeed there was a kinda war between Nacchies and Relaxed. The look on my face after reading was disbelief.
I had locs on for about a year shortly after youth service. And I must say growing natural hair takes a lot of patience, little wonder I felt some sentimental attachment when I finally had to cut it. However, in the 12 months I had locs on, I never for once thought I was more African than the other ladies I saw; in fact, I admired them. Neither did I think they were inferior, insecure, brainwashed, not proud of their heritage and all manner of gibberish that some Nacchies say. In fact, a lot of them think ladies relax their hair to conform to society. How about relaxing it because it’s easier to manage? You have naturally soft hair and you sit on your high horses castigating me because I’ve found a solution to taming my otherwise coarse natural hair! Just pointless!
It seems to be no coincidence that a large number of Nacchies are returnees from abroad. Like that writer, a lot of them have experienced racism first hand and maintain natural hair to rebel against the norm. Well, if your experiences define your actions and choices, should they define those of others?! And then, Team Relaxer don’t make it any better by calling Team Nacchie names like untidy, unprofessional or worse still ugly!
Really what does it matter? What does it matter if your hair is relaxed, natural, semi relaxed, cropped, locked? Your hairstyle is your choice. The most important thing is its healthy and you wear it proudly. Yes, I like to relax my hair. Yes, I fix Brazilian, Peruvian, Mongolian weaves and I intend buying Funmi hair soon. But does that make me any better than you? Of course not! Neither does wearing your hair natural make you more loyal to Africa than I.
Team Nacchie, Team Relaxer, this is a needless battle and you all are better off without it. African men already create stereotypes for us women every day, should we really add to the list?!
How has your week been so far? Great, thank God! Crappy, thank Him, it will get better! I came across this lovely article while browsing today and thought to share it! Enjoy and please lemme know your thoughts!
Dating commandment #1: It all starts with you.
It’s the same advice your mom gave you on the first day of school: be yourself. Present yourself authentically, laugh at the things you find funny, share your personal viewpoints on hot topics, wear your favorite geeky sweater, and give your date an opportunity to get to know the real you. While the fear of rejection is often the greatest cause of putting fake selves forward, being rejected for not being yourself is far more tragic than being willing to be rejected by the wrong person in the quest for the right one who loves you just as you are.
Dating commandment #2: Do not lie.
Dishonesty is a deal-breaker for most daters. To avoid getting caught in a lie, don’t tell one. Be honest. Be vulnerable. When in doubt, say a little too much rather than attempt coyness around uncomfortable situations. If you have baggage stemming from a previous relationship, don’t pretend you don’t. If you don’t understand a political reference in a conversation, ask for clarification. If your date asks a question you don’t want to answer, tell her that you don’t feel comfortable answering it instead of avoiding it by giving a dishonest answer.
Dates early on set a precedent for the entire relationship. Don’t let dishonesty hurt the great future you might have.
Dating commandment #3: Do not compare.
Don’t hold the sins of others against your new date. Don’t compare your dinner companion to your ex, your girlfriend’s awesome boyfriend, or your dad. Don’t assume that similarities between your new guy and your ex will dictate heartache, or that significant differences will mean that you’ll never feel understood the way you once felt.
Give him/her a chance. Focus on getting to know someone new without comparing his/her menu choices to those of an old vegetarian crush’s.
Dating commandment #4: Do not ignore red flags.
While it’s important to give your date a fair shot, it’s also important to not ignore glaring signs of incompatibility, misaligned value systems or dangerous behaviors.
If you’re uncomfortable around someone, pay attention to the red flags. Don’t force yourself to stay in a bad situation, or to say yes to a date that you know, without a doubt, can lead nowhere.
Dating commandment #5: Do not play games.
That rulebook mentioned earlier? Throw it out. If you like her, ask her out. If he leaves a voicemail message, call him back. If you’re hesitant to say yes to a Friday date with Cute Co-Worker because you’re hoping other Cute Co-Worker will ask you out, say no to the first one regardless of the guarantee of a date with the second. Don’t use anyone as a backup plan.
Next week, I’ll be blogging about the ongoing feud between ‘Team Nacchie’ and ‘Team Relaxer’. Please don’t miss it!
Today, I just got thinking about the marriage craze and decided to pen down my thoughts. Of course these thoughts were not totally unrelated with all the BBM updates all morning, boo this, boo that. I’m not a boo hater – far from it – but I think there’s a big problem in dating or getting married to fit into societal expectations. Not only does it show low self-esteem, it depicts crowd mentality. Of course, a lot of people are pressured into marriage because of family and friends and say things like ‘I had no choice’ but my question is ‘wouldn’t you rather be pressured for a few years than spend the rest of your life in misery?’ Everyone faces pressure; Momsie mentions the M word every time in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways. But what’s different is no amount of pressure would get me into a wrong marriage. If I am in a wrong marriage, I would like to know that I am responsible for the bad decision and as such I have to live by it.
I say this because society is just full of people who would never be satisfied no matter what you do. You graduate and start working and they keep asking when you are getting married, you get married, they ask when would the kids start coming, you have one kid, when she’s about two years old, they say ‘She’s old enough to have a younger sibling o, you have a second child; a girl, they say ‘Why don’t you try for a boy?’ How about you hush and let me live my life?! It really never stops; people keep asking for more and acting like they have a stake in your life. If at any time, you decide to rebel and act outside their expectations, it’s war!
Marriage is great, love is beautiful but it has a caveat; being with the right person. If you meet someone, who’s great, loves you and doesn’t stress the hell out of you (very important, especially if you contribute 40, 50 or 60 sometimes 70 percent to upkeep!) fine. Really, some men are just damn silly! I come back from my banking job at 9pm, and you tell me you wanna eat amala?? Thunder fire you mehn! A banking job that I would gladly leave and face my writing if I had the option! I am not saying women shouldn’t contribute financially to upkeep (even though it would be totally awesome if we didn’t have to!) but if she’s doing her fair share in bringing home the bacon, cut her some slack please!
I heard of a couple’s story; wife was complaining that she would take some money to buy shoes o and we wondered what she meant until we found that when she receives her salary every month, she hands it over to her husband who administers it accordingly? Seriously?? In this age? Smh. When this lady was pregnant, the guy left her to ‘enter’ public transport while he drove the car to his office (they had just one car, and yes she could drive). Makes we wonder, what exactly do these women look out for in saying yes to marriage? Is it just to fulfill societal expectations or genuine love?
Please share your thoughts, what do you think about the craze to get married?
Yaaaay! I finally started my blog!
I will be writing about various issues, everything and anything interesting!
I promise to be diligent in updating this blog, cross my heart!
Please watch this space!